Thirteen - March 28 2021

 

So the other day I was thinking about watching the movie Thirteen. It is about a 13 year old girl who befriends another girl who gets her into drugs thefts and misbehavior..  I thought it would be a great idea to get my mind flowing, as it has in the past. I did not think anything more of it. I then was reading the info for another movie.. What popped up in the suggestion? Thirteen. I am one who believes in random signs like that. So of course, I put it on. As suspected all these words and emotions flew through my mind.

When I was 14 years old just starting high school. I remember doing exactly what the girl in the movie did, to help numb myself. I started to self harm. I of course like any other person who has been in this situation expects its to help numb the pain. Honestly…. It feels good for a second, then you are left sitting there feeling worse than before.. You then must find a way to hide it from anyone else seeing. That isn’t always easy.. Now I self harmed off and on for 4 years. If I hadn’t of told the few who knew all along.. I don’t think anyone would of known. As for my entire life I have grown used to hiding how I am really feeling. Putting on an act. Pretending everything is fine.. Now eventually even after receiving help for some of my issues. I was finding new ways to numb the pain, piercings then when I was of age.. Drinking. Now after just over a year realizing how much I was drinking and whom I was reminding myself of. I stopped. Now since 2015 I have taught myself to hide and swallow all the bad right down to my core.. This is never something I would suggest to anyone. As when it builds up. When you have swallowed it all down where you are about to burst. I am not going to lie when you finally explode… Its going to tear you apart. You are going to wish that you never buried it so deep… But of course after your body reacts to all of this.. You will probably begin swallowing it down again. A vicious circle.

© A.Rickards  March 28, 2021